A perfect match means that you bond together in a great and a beautiful way. We often think of a romantic relationshipas a kind of amalgamating into one. This can be possible, but only if both of you are into it. While love is a two-way street, quite often this melting into each other comes one way. It's either one person desperately trying to be their partner's part of life that they cease having their own one or it's the partner who is uncomfortable with their significant other, having their own life, so they start controlling it. People tend to lose identity in relationships more often than you think. Quite often you don't even notice that you are losing yourself in a romance. We offer you to check out what does it mean to lose yourself in a relationship and how to avoid it.
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What Does It Mean to Lose Yourself in a Relationship?
Well, let's figure out what it feels like losing yourself in a relationship. In order to do so, let's think about the typical signs attributed to the relationship. Everything becomes mutual. You share your life with someone else. Of course, both of you have to compromise certain things. You are no longer separate people, now you are having a mutual life, and none of you can live the exact way that you used to live before. And that's absolutely fine unless it goes over the top, causing a relationship where one person dissolves in their partner.
When you start a new relationship, the desire to spend as much time as possible with your partner is very tempting. And you start ditching everything in order to achieve that. Which can be quite normal at the start of your romantic relationship, but if it continues further and further, you may end up with no friends and acquaintances. There will be only you and your partner.
Soon you realize that the only thing that you care for is your partner’s problems. You don’t have your own friends, you have only mutual friends. You never argue because you change your opinions in order to avoid confrontation. You say “we” and you think as “we,” which is alright for a couple, but only when there is still “you” and “I” terms. Your “I” disappears when you lose yourself in a relationship.
Why Do We Lose Ourselves in a Relationship?
If you notice that you are inclined to be dependent on your partner, you may start wondering, “Why do I lose myself in relationships?” Quite often you may hear that there’s a great mystery behind why people are losing themselves in relationships, but the answer is simpler than you may think. Basically, there are two reasons behind losing yourself in a romance. Let’s check them out separately.
I. You don’t have your own life
The most typical reason for dissolving in a relationship is not having your own life. You never tried to develop your own personality and your own interests. That’s why you were looking for someone who could become the reason for your existence. First, it was your friends and then, finally, you found that person in your partner. That’s when you started dissolving completely in the needs of your partner. What could possibly go wrong? Definitely, your partner was dreaming about someone like you. But generally, this strategy fails miserably. Sooner or later, your partner can start questioning whether there was a person they started dating. And you have nothing to offer, as you’ve built your personality in accordance with your partner’s views and desires. A relationship requires two personalities, and it is hard to build a successful relationship with one of the partners lacking one.
II. You’re dating a manipulative partner
Sometimes, things happen otherwise. You have your own personality, you have your own hobbies and friends, but you lack self-confidence. Thus, when you start dating, you try your best to satisfy your partner. Most likely, you are going to run into a manipulative partner, who would start using your lack of self-confidence. They are going to convince you that you are hanging out with wrong friends, and you are going to agree. Out of mere fear of losing your romantic relationship. They are going to undermine your thoughts and views, and in a matter of a few months, you start perceiving everything the way your partner does. A few months or even a year after the breakup, you would realize and tell your friends or a shrink, “I lost myself in a relationship!” No matter how much you love your partner, in a no way it is an excuse to dissolve into someone else’s life..jpg "lose identity in a relationship")
How to Understand That You Lost Yourself in a Relationship?
Before we are going to delve into how to not lose your identity in a relationship, let’s make sure that dissolving in your partner is the thing you are experiencing in your life. In order to do it, we offer you to check out the top signs of losing yourself in a relationship.
1. You live through your partner’s problems
Ask yourself, when was the last time that you thought about your own problems? It's not about the problems you face as a couple. It's not about the problems with your partner. It's about your own problems. While you dismiss this question and claim that you have no problems, honestly, you should think about it twice. Maybe you are devoting all of your time to the problems of your partner, treating them like your own ones. If you are ditching your own life for your partner, then you aren't in a healthy relationship.
2. You don't have alone time
You have, literally, no alone time. You have been dating for over a year, and you still feel the need to constantly be together with your partner or, at least, know their whereabouts and let them know about yours. While it was quite okay at the beginning of your relationship, a year later you know everything about each other’s whereabouts. If you continue to call and text your partner every now and then after dating for a year, then you are dissolving in your partner, losing yourself in a relationship.
3. You feel guilt-ridden
You want to do as much as possible for your partner, but you constantly have the feeling that you are not doing enough to make them comfortable. You feel guilty that you are not perfect enough for your partner. Well, that’s one of the most common signs that you are losing yourself in a relationship.
4. You change your opinions
You are changing your opinions in accordance with your partner thoughts. Mostly you are doing it to avoid confrontation when you have a different view on the same thing. But it’s not about your partner has proven their rightfulness. You just agree with whatever they say, even when you have a polar view on that.
5. You Sacrifice Everything for Your Partner
Your friends, your hobbies, your lifestyle, and even your work no longer matters to you. The only thing that matters is your partner and their comfort. This is unhealthy, regardless of how much you love your partner. Sometimes, you need to stop and think whether your partner is ready to sacrifice, at least something for you and your comfort. If the answer is "nothing," it signifies that you’ve lost yourself in a relationship. No matter how altruistic you can be, true love is always mutual.
How to Not Lose Yourself in a Relationship?
Now let’s figure out how to not lose yourself in a relationship. While you may think that dissolving in your partner is absolutely okay, it is not. While you may think that your partner adores you for always agreeing with them, if they are not a manipulative control freak, they are going to be irritated by that. You should remember that a real relationship requires partners valuing each other’s personality. There’s nothing romantic about a relationship where one partner subdues his or her personality to please another one. So, don’t lose yourself in a relationship. And in order to do that we offer you to check out our tips on how to not lose yourself in a relationship.
1. Have your own life before you meet your partner
As we’ve mentioned above, people who don’t have a life of their own tend to dissolve in their partners. You should have yourself before meeting your partner. Which means that you may have interests and hobbies that you don’t share, and it is absolutely okay. While people who are like each other often match, it doesn’t mean that they have everything in common. Liking a different genre of movies or having different hobbies won’t lead you to a breakup. While subduing your identity to be the perfect match for your partner will, relationships based on lies rarely last long.
2. Have your own friends
You should have your own friends. It doesn’t mean that you should keep your friends a secret from your partner. It doesn’t mean that you should get your friends and your partner acquainted. It means that you must spend time with your friends alone. Spending time with your partner and your friends should be separate activities. That can help you save your own identity, instead of dissolving in your partner.
3. Have alone-time
Aside from spending time with your friends and with your partner, you should also have some alone time. That’s why you should have your own hobbies and activities that you don’t share with your partner. Keeping your identity means having something aside from your partner to not feel completely devastated in the case of a breakup.
4. Speak for yourself
You should have your own views on things, even if they don’t correspond to your partners' views. You shouldn’t change your mind just because your partner thinks differently. It is absolutely normal when partners have different opinions. Different opinions don’t necessarily mean irreconcilable differences.
5. Disconnect electronically
Last but not least, you should disconnect electronically when you are spending time separately. As spending time apart, while constantly chatting and talking on the phone won’t help you take a break from each other. So, avoid chatting with your partner when you want to spend some time apart.