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How to Overcome Insecurities in a Relationship

Romantic relationships between men and women are hard work. They consist not only of joys and pleasant moments but also of quarrels, problems, and mistakes. Relationships are fine, but sometimes they become the hardest torture. Misunderstanding traumatizes the soul, but happiness heals wounds. In our time, the problem of insecurity in the relationship between the sexes is quite acute. What does the concept of "insecurity" include? How do insecurities affect relationships? Today we look at the causes of insecurity and give advice on how to deal with insecurities in a relationship.

insecurities and relationships

What Causes Insecurities in Relationships

Doubts of any nature are the same part of human nature as instincts and reflexes. Scientists are convinced: a baby begins to doubt earlier than walking and talking. Thus, nature has taken care that a man does not waste his physical and mental resources. By asking ourselves the question, “Am I doing the right thing?” we dice only on the things that are vital during the particular period of time. Insecurity is a factor that can significantly complicate life.

Doubts about existing relationships are often caused by one of three reasons.

  • Self-doubt. Happy personal life is impossible if one of the partners constantly doubts their own importance, is afraid to talk about their feelings and desires and is worried whether people understand them correctly. Self-doubt gives rise to insecurities ruining a relationship.
  • Uncertainty in the partner. As a rule, in this case, the doubter has already had some negative experience in past relationships. Also, the cause of uncertainty in a partner is the presence of life situations when a person was rejected, humiliated, and condemned. Such experience is usually acquired at a very early age.
  • Self-confidence. A carefully thought-out image of a partner does not allow a person to establish any long-lasting relationship, as each new candidate suddenly becomes the owner of shortcomings that do not fit into the ideal image of a loved one.

Shyness, laziness, fears, guilt, complexes, lack of self-sufficiency, or unawareness – no matter what emotions and feelings serve as a background for insecurity, the main thing to remember is that they will never fill family life with joy and happiness.

A qualified professional can help find the true cause of insecurities in relationships.

Projecting Insecurities in Relationships

Does insecurity interfere with building harmonious relationships with your loved one?

On the one hand, insecurity can be seen as a psychological defense through which a person builds relationships with the world. This is a kind of buffer so as not to be wounded in the external environment.

On the other hand, insecurity can move you forward creating tension even in a potentially successful relationship. It can provoke indecision, problems in communication, fears and anxiety, a desire to control everything, exhaustion from excessive efforts, depression, and fatigue. There are 5 manifestations of projecting insecurities in a romantic relationship.

  •  Constant checks

How can they love me? They don't love me, do they? This underlying insecurity governs your emotions and behavior. You do not believe that you can become a subject of sincere love and force your partner to prove their feelings at any opportunity. However, you still do not trust the obtained evidence.

You can even destroy the relationship by convincing yourself that the partner will leave anyway sooner or later. The end of the relationship will give you a reason to say, “Well, just as I thought. I am not worthy of love.”how insecurities affect relationships

  • Fear of intimacy

Do you know the feeling of intimacy from childhood? If not, it may cause you discomfort. You may experience fear as relationships develop – sincere affection seems alien and fake to you. Instead of allowing yourself to enter into an intimate relationship with a person you love, you can shy away from your partner emotionally and sexually. The fear of intimacy often becomes a reason for both women’s and men's insecurities in relationships.

  • Distrust

In the attempt to protect yourself, you accuse of lying even the most honest partner, and such behavior can harm any relationship. You doubt your partner so often that they may find the lie acceptable – if they are already punished for it, why not commit a crime? In turn, it only keeps you confident that no one can be trusted.

  • Wariness

If your parents experienced a painful divorce or betrayed each other, it is likely that it will be very difficult for you to trust your partner. Whether you are aware of your wariness or not, you will doubt your beloved, and such insecurity will not allow you to immerse yourself in the romantic relationship. Constantly awaiting possible betrayal, you will become especially vulnerable.

  • Expecting miracles to happen

You feel unhappy and dream of a partner who will make your life brighter. You strive for excellence by imposing impossible requirements for your partner. Even if the partner turns out to be reliable, patient, and loving, you will find something to complain about and ruin the relationship.

Insecurities in Bed

Sexual insecurity can be expressed by the formula, "I would like to, but I cannot." This feeling does not allow you to talk about what actually gives you pleasure. Uncertainty creates a vicious circle in sexual relationships: each intimate meeting follows the same pattern; each sexual intercourse is disappointing.

Sexual insecurity is a form of self-repression which is always associated with the fear of condemnation. The reasons for self-doubt in men and women are essentially the same – a man has an image to which he must conform to be an ideal man, and a woman has her own. In men, everything is much easier than in women. They do not need to make much effort to be handsome. Male insecurities in relationships are not as common. But modern standards make a woman constantly doubt herself and her beauty. Therefore, in order for a woman to arouse interest in men, she needs to make epilation, dye her hair, lose weight, get fat, do makeup, smear cream over her legs, and perform a lot of other manipulations.

Insecurities in bed block the perception of the sensations of one's own body, make it impossible to hear and realize its signals and prevent a person from getting real pleasure of the sexual act with a loved one.

Is it possible to get rid of insecurity in sex? You should not hope for instant recovery: first, you need to understand when and why this feeling arose. Sometimes it requires painstaking psychological work.

First of all, speak frankly to your partner. Many people do not even realize how great the influence of a conversation with a loved one is. The main thing is to speak honestly and solve the problem together. Also, you can reach out to specialists.

How to Overcome Insecurities in Relationships

Many people wonder, “How to get over insecurities in a relationship?” It is not as difficult as it seems. Just be the change you want to see the world. Uncertainty in relationships appears most often when you do not want to lose them. And if a loved one is dear to you, then not all is lost yet, there is still a chance to fix everything and make your life together more harmonious and joyful. But you need to start with yourself. There are 7 useful tips on how to stop being insecure in a relationship.

  • Turn attention to the potential causes of insecurity

All relationships have periods of ups and downs. This is quite normal when there is some kind of misunderstanding from time to time. The problems that you may be dealing with can be related to finances, jealousy, doubt, and fear of being abandoned. In more complex cases, this is a loss of confidence, long-term stress, or excessive negativity.

  • Do not be beforehand in your conclusions

Try to recognize that the problem may be imaginary because of your own excessive thinking. Try to see things in a more realistic light and do not rush to think about the worst. If you still have strong doubts, then they should be discussed with a partner. Be attentive and open to what they tell you, but do not make snap judgments because such impulsive reaction is often false.

  • Accept the fact that there is no perfect relationship

Each couple has its own problems, you will not always share the opinion or emotional state of your partner. Just accept this fact. Do not expect the other person to give you at least 80% of their time and be with you twenty-four hours straight. Such obsessive demands on your part will lead to emotional burnout, which only aggravates insecurity and anxiety.

  • Recognize that all romantic relationships are different

Some troubled relationships in the past make you doubt your current partner. However, you need to recognize that all relationships are different. Do not transfer negative emotions from your past relationships to the current ones. Accept the fact that your partner is a completely different person with their own motivation, qualities, strengths, and weaknesses.

  • Take a positive view

Sometimes we can pay too much attention to the negative and forget about the qualities that we like in a partner. Instead of focusing on the shortcomings, learn to notice all the good things that are present in your relationship. Focus on the qualities you love in your beloved and notice what they do for you. This can make you feel more confident.

  • Look for self-confidence

That's so – first of all, you need to restore self-confidence. This is really a powerful way to resist insecurities in a relationship. Do not shift all responsibility for your happiness and well-being to your partner. Stop putting pressure on the loved one, and it will definitely reduce tension and uncertainties in the relationship.

  • Talk and discuss

We all are very different people and show our feelings and affection differently. If you are faced with problems that appeared precisely because of your insecurity and anxiety, then you have only one strategy – to start again. Get rid of old emotions, clear your perception, and look at your partner in a new way. Perhaps, this is a way which can help you restore the trust and security you had initially. Sit down and discuss what each of you wants to see in a relationship and do everything possible to understand each other’s needs. It is the best way on how to stop being to stop being insecure

Books on Insecurities in Relationships

People often think about relationships between the sexes. But let's face the truth, creating strong family relationships is one of the most important goals in life for almost everyone. Currently, studies of the psychology of the relationship between a man and a woman are gaining momentum. Consequently, there are many interesting books on the topic of insecurities and relationships. We would like to bring to your attention 5 best books about insecurity in a relationship between a man and a woman.

  1. The Courage to Trust by Cynthia Lynn Wall
  2. If This Is Love Why Do I Feel So Insecure? by Conrad Schwarz, Archie Brodsky, and Carl Hindy
  3. Anxious in Love by Lissah Lorberbaum and Carolyn Daitch
  4. Daring to Trust by David Richo
  5.  Insecure in Love by Leslie Becker-Phelps


You know, insecurity always arises in relation to something positive. You always doubt the honesty of a person, and never doubt their dishonesty. When someone says, “I love you,” you often ask, “Really?” But when someone says, “I hate you,” you never ask them, “Is that true?” We are not sure of our happiness. When someone asks if we are happy, we answer, "Well, I'm not sure." But we are so confident in our depression. We never doubt our weakness, we always doubt our strength. If you keep watching for a while, all the beautiful things such as love, happiness, honesty, and sincerity are always questioned. Appreciate what you have and learn how to get rid of the destructive feeling of insecurity! We hope our advice will help you. Good luck!

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