How to differentiate healthy relationships from the unhealthy ones with no future? Exhausting, toxic, and neurotic relationships are definitely unhealthy. The point is that unhealthy relationships cannot make you happy for real. They make you feel bad when you are together and even worse when you are apart. In other words, partners are neither satisfied with the relationship, nor want to break up. Such unhealthy relationships lead to anxiety and the feeling that your partner is ignoring your interests constantly. In fact, the long-lasting unhealthy relationship may lead to neurosis and psychosomatic disorders.
Well, the key thing is that unhealthy relationships do not really look unhealthy for people around. Unhealthy relationships often include dates, passion, flowers… thus, often both surrounding people and the victim fail to identify that something is wrong. If your relationship has become suspicious, you should look through the hints that may help you identify behaviors that ruin relationship and, perhaps, change something.
1. A short happy-life
A very ambiguous sign. However, you should pay attention to your happiness. Happiness should characterize the whole relationship, not its beginning. The troubling signs come soon – first, it is an offensive joke, then, it is a ban, which is as partner says for your own good. You do not feel like you want to fly. Furthermore, you feel like it is hard even to walk. You feel like your partner limits your freedom and you cannot do things you enjoy doing anymore. After a significant period of time you feel the emptiness and exhaustion caused by the relationship. The key thing is that it will be more and more difficult to get out of the toxic relationship.
2. An unhelpful dialog
Bearing the thought that your couple has some problems, you decide to talk the thing over. Well, this is a constructive and mindful decision, isn’t it? However, each and every evidence you present, each word you say are useless eventually. In other words, it looks like a talk for the sake of talk. Any attempt to get to the core and decide who is right and who is wrong fails. Besides, everything becomes really controversial during the conversation and it appears that you are the one who is a bad guy here. Seems familiar? If yes, you should know that such discussions are examples of manipulative behavior of your partner. Instead of talking things over and coming to a wise solution, you get a terrible headache.
3. Your success causes aggression and jealousy
Normal and healthy relationships imply that partners are happy for each other when they succeed in something. However, if the relationship is unhealthy, your partner is likely to turn your success into a nightmare. Psychologists say, that such behavior is the result of the desire to control. A partner may question your potential in order to build one’s self-esteem.
The above mentioned information should help you get the signs of unhealthy relationships at their early stage. Therefore, pay attention to small things and don’s say everything is fine when it is not. It is easier to prevent the disaster than to deal with consequences. However, if you have noticed unhealthy behavior in marriage or a long-lasting relationship, you will need to deal with it.
How to deal with unhealthy behaviors
Alcoholic behaviors in relationships
This is a popular problem which leads to an unhealthy relationship in general. Of course, you should realize that not all who consume alcohol are alcoholics. Therefore, your problem may be marital and not health related. If you see that you are not able to solve the problem on your own and your partner’s habit to take alcohol starts worrying you, you should consider a marriage counselor or another expert, which will suggest you professional help.
However, you should be aware of possible behavior of an alcoholic in a relationship in order to recognize signs in advance. Well, first of all, alcoholics are often unable to control themselves. There is a huge correlation between alcoholism and domestic violence. Besides, alcohol gives rise to aggression and irritation.
Self sabotaging behaviors in relationships
Some of us are pretty good at self-sabotage. I know that it is difficult to start new relationships, especially after a recent failure or two. Well, do yoga and try to hold your mind cool because self-sabotaging will do nothing but damage. For example, your ex-husband decided to sue you for 90%. Such a negative experience will make you think twice before making next relationship official. On the other hand, constant self-sabotaging won’t make any good. The best way out in this situation is to make a good prenup. This way you will feel safe and you will not sabotage your relationships. All people are different. You cannot judge your current partner on the basis of your ex.
Passive aggressive behaviors in relationships
This one makes a harsh experience for any couple. Besides, personally I believe that active aggression is even easier to deal with than passive one. If there is a problem and your partner becomes aggressive when talking about it, you take a strategy (there is a great variety in psychological magazines) and solve the problem. The main thing is that you know what it is about. For example, your partner may be aggressive when talking about family budget, because he feels humiliated with your words when you discuss it. What you should do is take a piece of paper and let your partner write down moments, when he usually feels humiliated (leaving some space for your solutions). Afterwards, you comment on each case and find a possible way out.
Passive aggressive behavior is likely to be mysterious and silent. You feel that there is a problem but you have no idea what it is. Furthermore, your partner ignores your attempts to discuss the problem. The one just goes silent. Instead of going silent you should speak. Don’t try to disappear, it won’t solve the problem.
Controlling behaviors relationships
Control is a 95% negative phenomenon when it comes to relationships. Relationships are always about partnership, and control is always about one partner dominating the other one. Controlling relationship behavior starts to emerge from small things. You should let your partner know that any form of control is offensive for you as it is usually based on distrust or jealousy. Give a few examples, showing that your partner should trust you. Let him or her know that you will pay more attention to one’s feelings. You should make your partner feel that you are open to compromises.
Disrespectful relationship behavior
Never sort out your relationship in public. You will not only embarrass your partner but make the surrounding people feel awkward. No matter how hard your blood is boiling, no matter how hard you wish to make the point clear, wait until you are in private.
Demeaning behavior in a relationship
Well, demeaning behavior does not show up in the beginning of the relationships. It usually strikes us when we try to change our partners. Just keep in mind that people are not perfect. Do not confuse habits and traits. Some things are impossible to change, no matter how often you blame him or her. Therefore, keep in mind the difference between socks all over the floor (habit), and an umbrella lost for the fifth time this season (absent-mindedness – personality trait).
Condescending behavior in a relationship
Of course, demeaning behavior is bad but it does not mean that condescending behavior is better. Both things effect your relationships negatively.
Destructive behaviors in relationships
Disagreements are inevitable. Sooner or later couples face stumbling blocks in their relationships. Besides, this is totally normal. Quarrels are part of healthy relationships. Of course, there is one BUT – do not cross the line. Do not insult each other, don’t put your offense higher than his or hers, and keep in mind that a compromise can solve each and every conflict.
Toxic behaviors in relationships
As you can see the unacceptable behavior in a relationship may have various forms. It can occur as an espionage, exaggeration, and even calm.
Exegerrating things
Nobody's perfect. Did he forget to take out the trash? Did she burn your shirt? He bought the wrong yogurt? She did not pay for the Internet? Believe me, all this is so stupid that it is not worth neither your attention, nor your nerves and emotions. Do not make a big deal about it. Take a walk instead. Besides, you may go for a walk and take the garbage with you at the same time. Laugh at the hole on your shirt, because it's time to buy a new one. Try the "wrong" yogurt, maybe it will taste even better. Light the candles and spend a romantic evening without the Internet.
Espionage
Love is built on trust. Trust your beloved. Your significant other can (and should) have some personal space. Respect it. Do not read his or her messages, do not read e-mails, and, for God’s sake, do not check your partner’s pockets. All this stuff hurts and destroys relationships.
Excessive calm
Harmony and calmness in relationships are wonderful things. But this is not a reason to stop watching your behavior. You do not want your partner to lose interest in you, do you? If you see that the problem has ripened, buy a gym membership ... for two.
Addictive behaviors in relationships – is there a way out?
Healthy relationships suggest that each participant is primarily responsible for their own state and satisfaction of their needs (material, emotional and existential) not trying to take additional responsibility for the partner or shift his or her responsibility to the partner. Everyone is responsible primarily for oneself.
When we speak about addictive relationships, the responsibility is confused. We want someone to take responsibility for our security, material well-being and happiness. Or our partner is inclined to take excessive responsibility for us. For example, a woman expects that a man will support her financially, and therefore, she will be responsible for the household, cooking and children - this is a typical example of confused responsibilities, and alas is widespread and is almost a norm. In more severe cases, we shift responsibility for all aspects of our well-being to the partner, or we take responsibility for saving the other. Or both at the same time. For example, a woman can be saving an alcoholic husband for years, suffering in these relationships, but hoping that sooner or later the husband will stop drinking and take responsibility for her and the family. This is why addictive relationships are so dangerous.